Great poem. Very well done.

thank you, i really appreciate your thoughts on it

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_{Brain tingles ftw}

That's a great poem!

I have to say, line 6 is one of my favourite lines because of its simplicity (and yet how much is captured in it), and the imagery of the lemon pie is something I would want to see more of. Maybe extrapolate more on that story? I read your comments on it, on the bottom "I made her a lemon pie for her birthday once, rushed home from work so i could surprise her with it just in time for her lunch, it wasnt received well" and that in itself has a poetic ring to it. It would be a very factual part, but I get the feeling it could allude to so much more.

I would suggest that maybe you remove some of the capitalisations (for example, some of the ones that don't follow a period), because they break the flow between the lines (unless that's your intention for the whole poem). The capitalisations you kept would also then be emphasised, as would the breaks, which would capture the discordance between gazes. (So for example, I think all the capitalisations and breaks in your second stanza strongly convey the relationship between the speaker and whoever it is addressed to.)

I also really liked your imagery of "over-ripened," and the motif of the citrus fruits and bitterness.

i have to admit im still feeling unsure about having written & posted this since it is extremely personal, and that must be why i "accidentally" dont mention who it's directed to in poem nor description although im sure its not too hard to guess. but also because that allows me to now look at it as a piece of writing rather than a rant so i can actually improve it.

i really like your suggestions on elaborating that lemon pie story, and also the capitalizations. i have intentionally broken some lines where i want to emphasize double meanings (mainly line 2, 9, 11, 18); i'll change the latter now and work on the former after others have commented.

thank you so much for the thoughtful comments, they're very helpful, and im glad you liked the citrus theme

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_{Brain tingles ftw}

I am unsure as to whether I can offer the best critique - but I, in a way, can understand.

This is beautiful...



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you know, any thoughts you have for me are greatly treasured i'm really touched by your comment..
thank you.

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_{Brain tingles ftw}

i'm really stretching for something to critique here, so i guess the only thing i can say is there's an abundance of rhymes. rhymes just for the sake of rhyming don't justify their own existence in a poem, so if i were you i'd highlight all the rhymes and play with them, decide if they're necessary or not, change some of them to slant rhymes, things like that, at your own discretion.

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I don't know, I kinda like the rhymes, and at least they aren't on the end of the lines. Some modern poets act like rhymes are to be avoided at all costs, but a large part of poetry is in the music of the sounds.

The only one that bugs me is the pie-eyes-lies-pry, it's too many in a row and is kind of distracting.

thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, i actually hadnt noticed just how much rhyming there turned out to be. i hadnt actually planned on rhyming except for a couple places so the rest were accidental more than they were unjustified forced rhyming now that you've pointed it out, i can see where it might look like that and i'll need to reconsider some wording.

thanks for the help, much appreciated

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_{Brain tingles ftw}

i definitely agree with you i usually dont rhyme on purpose but sometimes a few slip in and you cant help liking the "musical" feel of it

you are right about the pie-eyes-lies-pry, i hadnt even seen the rhyming connection and i dont want the music to sound too cheezy so i'll definitely look into changing a word or two!

thank you so much for your input, it's been very helpful

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_{Brain tingles ftw}