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The thing is that I
          yearn
for a dream of an extraordinary moment
          before a piece of me      froze;

that life which I had lost,

because of
                  something I saw--

a child;

me.
:iconinspiredimperfection:

Author's Comments

Comments


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:iconastartekatz:
Serendipitous. (And bad-ass. :thumbsup: )

--
"If they give you ruled paper, write the other way." -- Juan Ramón Jiménez
:iconinspiredimperfection:
rofl thanks :D

--
Brain tingles ftw :bucktooth:
:iconinspiredimperfection:
thank you! :D

--
Brain tingles ftw :bucktooth:
:iconkafawlith:
I thoroughly enjoyed it all, but one area leaves me confused:

The thing is that I
yearn
for a dream
of an extraordinary moment,
before a piece of me
froze

-- I might be reading this wrong, but the break from present to past tense here is making it hard for me to get by. "That I yearn," yet you used "froze" instead of "freezes."

I just noticed the two conflicted with each other, but if I am mistaken then I apologize for wasting your time. Either way, it was a delicious read.

:heart:

--
'A stranger with a head full of lead photographs me.' - Steven Wilson
:iconinspiredimperfection:
Oh! thank you for pointing that out! i think because of how i've broken up and punctuated the lines it got too messy..

the yearned for "dream" is already in the past--i agree its quite vague; i've tried to clear things up a bit, i'd appreciate your feedback again :heart:

--
Brain tingles ftw :bucktooth:
:iconkafawlith:
Actually, yes, that clears a lot up. Maybe it was the line-breaks that had me distraught, but yes, it is that much better now.

I was always meaning to favorite this, but when I commented I accidentally logged off before doing so.

:+fav:

--
'A stranger with a head full of lead photographs me.' - Steven Wilson
:iconinspiredimperfection:
thanks so much for the feedback i really appreciate it, it's just a little piece but you gave it so much attention, and thanks for the fave too :hug:

--
Brain tingles ftw :bucktooth:
:iconkafawlith:
I was honored to do so, trust me. :heart:

--
'A stranger with a head full of lead photographs me.' - Steven Wilson

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July 21, 2008
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